November 2009

November 2009 was such a sad month for me. I don't remember exactly what day I met you all I know is that I hate you ever since. I ask you to leave me alone but instead you sit on my nerves. I mean it literally. You make me feel paralyzed even as everything sits well around me. I hate that feeling as I twitch and turn inside out in my seat and I feel cold sweat running down my temples because I still don't understand what it is you want from me. I hate that feeling of not knowing how much longer I'll have you messing with my nerves not only because you're an endless paranoia but because you're an endless amount of pain and stress and overwhelming thoughts of what could have happened and what might yet happen. I hate you because I never asked for you to be a part of me, I never asked to be so frightened by the doings of a person that even when you're just the result of a something that happened so many years ago you will always be that tall dark man in his fifties that followed me around for hours, the small white man who carried a gun inside his jacket while he silently frightened two young children who really just wanted to scream but feared how painful a bullet to the back would be, I hate you because for years you've followed me, tracing the scars left behind by two men who really never paid for all the pain they caused me. I hate you because I can't walk around anymore without feeling scared of being taken, I hate you because you feed off of me, like a parasite you become stronger by making me fear the smallest of things like randomly hearing my name in the street. I hate how to everyone you're just my stupid excuse for not controlling my feelings all that well but to me you're a knife spreading, extending every second, every sigh, as if it was butter on a piece of bread. I hate feeling this desire to yell and scream when really I can't say a word, when I've lost total control of my body and I'm just there letting you take control as my skin goes numb and my lungs turn off and I start to drown in the valley of nothingness.  

#prose