Last of Letters

Hi. Happy summer. This year has been Hell, in a way I lost everything I cared about. That being my dog, my grandma and all the friends I would have died for. Honestly I wish I’d never see you again. I realized earlier that your presence confuses me. That’s probably because for the time we were friends you were the most important friendship I had, hell I’d even call you my best among best friends. And I respected you and I honestly don’t respect any particulars the way I did you. Your name was written in gold where everyone else’s was written in shitty graphite. My heart glorified you, in it’s immaturity, you made it feel special. I guess one of the reasons I felt so much love for you was really because you made me feel powerful. Our friendship made me feel like I had something special, and something no one else I knew had. You gave me strength, power and the freedom to be myself. Which is actually really stupid, and I’ve realized that. Writing all the things I wanted to say was stupid, loving everything about you was stupid, needing you was stupid. I was stupid. Really that’s not such a bad thing in itself. But I wished I didn’t have to see you, because although I know it’s immature and stupid I really did love you in a way, and I was loving without understanding love, Hell, I didn’t even know how to love myself. I guess I really was the worst thing in your life, haha. I’m really sorry about everything. I guess I didn’t realize how much we contrasted and how we weren’t really friends at all. I’m sorry that I couldn’t contain my feelings for you or that I couldn’t allow our friendship to be everything hidden you wanted it to be. But that’s all changed, and as much as I want it to be good, it isn’t. When I see you now I feel nothing at all. I used to look at you and feel all sorts of colors for you. Seeing you made me feel so happy, and after we stopped being friends seeing you made me feel empty and sad and sometimes I cried because my soul needed you. But now I see you and I see someone who I have no idea what or who or how they are. And it reminds me that for a while I felt I knew you inside and outside and I wanted you to know me like that too, but not anymore. Seeing you makes me want to laugh at myself sometimes, man was I silly. Everything about how I was when you were a part of me was disgusting. Don’t get me wrong, I wished we could be, would be, friends, but I don’t need it, or expect it, or beg of it any longer. But, as much as I wish I couldn’t, wouldn’t, give a damn about you, I can’t. I’m really happy that you’re happy now. I’m happy that you’re shining and having fun and everything. And I guess I am also happy that I met you, although I forget that constantly, and I’m not always happy about our mutual existence. But that’s life. We don’t usually get what we want. I don’t really think people ever become happy, it’s more of becoming content with what they have. That’s what I am. Content with everything I have left, memories and traces of past emotions. But that’s good enough. In a way, I really wanted to say thank you. Being, trying to be, your “friend” drained me of so much potential energy. A part of me needed us to be friends, to get along and to be friends publicly, not only in the shadows. Really it was just that the insecurities inside those shadows couldn’t bear to see anything else there. It felt like I had to prove myself I was worthy of being friends with people without those friendships being tainted by other people’s dislike for me… I failed so bad tho, and when I did, it just destroyed me. It tore me apart. And then those shadows were no more. And that’s when I felt I was free. It required everything I wanted and loved to be torn away for me to be reset. Fresh. Restarted. But I couldn’t have gotten there without you and the impact you made in my life. You were the key to my restoration. Deep inside, after everything, after my grandmother passed away, after my closest friends were torn from me for reasons only God can explain, I remembered that for a moment I was free, and that for a moment I could be me, and that I could make that everlasting. The memories of our “friendship” have indeed opened me, so thank 

you, so very much, for being alive and being what and how you are.